Looking Up

I'm trying to look up and stay positive, honestly, I am. I have put myself out into the workforce as a beginning of my independence only to find that it's tough work, minimum wage and it leaves me wondering how I am ever going to make it on my own.

My first day of work arrived and the confident image I had of myself portrayed in my mind completely vanished as those self doubts flooded in and left me feeling like a five year old walking into the classroom for the first time. I have met several, wonderful women and when I told them of my fears they admitted to having their own which helped me relax.

I know I have to start somewhere in the job field and that this is just a baby step for me but my soul is telling me I just need to jump in with both feet and live a "creative" life. I feel as though I have been struggling for breath for years and that I need to break through the surface of everything that rules me and draw in deep, wonderful breaths of life giving oxygen. The key thing is that to do that I will need to find some courage.

"Some have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can". Willlis R. Whitney

For the time being, I guess I have a lot more soul searching and decisions to make, but in the meantime I'll stay where I'm at and hope things start to look up.

Crossing the Line

I have not slept well since my husband decided to move out of our home. I awaken at the slightest sounds and just can't seem to relax and enjoy a good nights sleep. There are too many thoughts and worries keeping my mind churning even though the rest of my body just wants to block it all out. Last night I realized that I haven't been crossing the line and by that I mean not using his side of the bed. I would awaken in the morning and the covers weren't even rumpled "over there". I had been staying on my half because that side has always been reserved for him. Was I subconsciously wishing he would come back to me, lie down, take me in his arms, hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay? That this rocky road that I am walking on would suddenly turn into a beautiful beach and we would walk hand and hand into the sunset like a romantic movie?

Last night I tossed all the pillows off onto the floor and slept right in the middle of that queen size bed. I slept a little better, not great, but better. Did that small act of sliding a little to the left in some way tell my soul that it's time to make some changes? That other things need to take up the room left empty when he made his exit.

Every small task that I do to fill the void of things we did as a couple no matter how small, is what I hope leading me down a path of healing. I am learning that sometimes no matter how much I want our marriage to turn out differently, I can't control the outcome and things will never be how I wish they could be. That letting go of all the fighting and crying and wishing and hoping and hanging on will make room for peace to enter. I am learning to unclench my fist and let go. I'm also thinking about getting a kitten to take up some space in that queen size bed.

Letiing Go of the Hope

We came a breath away from telling the boys what is going on last night. I couldn't do it, my heart seized up in my chest, I couldn't breathe and a panic attack set in. I couldn't let it be spoken aloud for once it is out there there is no turning back. Who am I kidding? We are at that point now, but to let the whole world in on it is something I don't know if I am ready for. It's like standing on the high dive when you are ten years old. You want to take the leap so badly but you just can't force yourself to do it because you are so scared. Everyone is watching you and you back away and crawl back down the ladder. That's what I did last night I crawled back into myself and sobbed like a baby. I can't do this. What will happen to my life if I make this major change? How will I support myself?

Words were spoken in harsh voices. I know they could be overheard so why can't I just be honest and forthcoming with them? Well, the new age of technology for one thing. I know all it will take is one text and it will be spread like wildfire through our small town. Am I strong enough to handle it? I need to find some strength. I try to stay busy and I do pretty good while he is not around.

I know it is foolish to think that if it's not's spoken aloud it won't hurt them? They have to know what is going on. I just don't want to ruin their last year of high school with all of the drama. I want it to be fun, exciting year for them. I want us to be a happy family but the realization is that we haven't been that for a long time. I need to let go of the hope that that is ever going to happen.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Adele - Turning Tables (With Lyrics)

Into the Deep

After almost 24 years of marriage my husband and I no longer sleep in the same bed, we don't even sleep under the same roof and he claims he is sleeping better than he has in years. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Even though we have been dancing this dance for years to see and hear the song come to an end is terribly sad and heart wrenching. I don't know why I feel this way when it's been years since our souls have connected. I realized how lonely I have been inside this commitment when I started stepping outside myself and watching how other couples interact with each other. We have no smiles, no words, no touch. I tell myself that this is no way to live and I have my strong moments but today just doesn't seem to be one of those days. I feel empty, useless and unloved and he, well he just goes on like nothing has changed. I guess for him nothing has.

Learning to Settle

I took this shot last night as I sat quietly by my pond listening to the frogs, watching the fish and soaking my feet in the water. I had to force myself at first to just be quiet and relax and allow the peace to surround me. To stop thinking about all the things that need done or even how I am going to accomplish them.

I am learning that taking one day at a time also means learning to be able to spend some quiet time with myself, to just sit and let all of the thoughts in my mind settle. I hope you find some quiet time today to settle. xoxo