Letiing Go of the Hope

We came a breath away from telling the boys what is going on last night. I couldn't do it, my heart seized up in my chest, I couldn't breathe and a panic attack set in. I couldn't let it be spoken aloud for once it is out there there is no turning back. Who am I kidding? We are at that point now, but to let the whole world in on it is something I don't know if I am ready for. It's like standing on the high dive when you are ten years old. You want to take the leap so badly but you just can't force yourself to do it because you are so scared. Everyone is watching you and you back away and crawl back down the ladder. That's what I did last night I crawled back into myself and sobbed like a baby. I can't do this. What will happen to my life if I make this major change? How will I support myself?

Words were spoken in harsh voices. I know they could be overheard so why can't I just be honest and forthcoming with them? Well, the new age of technology for one thing. I know all it will take is one text and it will be spread like wildfire through our small town. Am I strong enough to handle it? I need to find some strength. I try to stay busy and I do pretty good while he is not around.

I know it is foolish to think that if it's not's spoken aloud it won't hurt them? They have to know what is going on. I just don't want to ruin their last year of high school with all of the drama. I want it to be fun, exciting year for them. I want us to be a happy family but the realization is that we haven't been that for a long time. I need to let go of the hope that that is ever going to happen.