Crossing the Line

I have not slept well since my husband decided to move out of our home. I awaken at the slightest sounds and just can't seem to relax and enjoy a good nights sleep. There are too many thoughts and worries keeping my mind churning even though the rest of my body just wants to block it all out. Last night I realized that I haven't been crossing the line and by that I mean not using his side of the bed. I would awaken in the morning and the covers weren't even rumpled "over there". I had been staying on my half because that side has always been reserved for him. Was I subconsciously wishing he would come back to me, lie down, take me in his arms, hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay? That this rocky road that I am walking on would suddenly turn into a beautiful beach and we would walk hand and hand into the sunset like a romantic movie?

Last night I tossed all the pillows off onto the floor and slept right in the middle of that queen size bed. I slept a little better, not great, but better. Did that small act of sliding a little to the left in some way tell my soul that it's time to make some changes? That other things need to take up the room left empty when he made his exit.

Every small task that I do to fill the void of things we did as a couple no matter how small, is what I hope leading me down a path of healing. I am learning that sometimes no matter how much I want our marriage to turn out differently, I can't control the outcome and things will never be how I wish they could be. That letting go of all the fighting and crying and wishing and hoping and hanging on will make room for peace to enter. I am learning to unclench my fist and let go. I'm also thinking about getting a kitten to take up some space in that queen size bed.

Letiing Go of the Hope

We came a breath away from telling the boys what is going on last night. I couldn't do it, my heart seized up in my chest, I couldn't breathe and a panic attack set in. I couldn't let it be spoken aloud for once it is out there there is no turning back. Who am I kidding? We are at that point now, but to let the whole world in on it is something I don't know if I am ready for. It's like standing on the high dive when you are ten years old. You want to take the leap so badly but you just can't force yourself to do it because you are so scared. Everyone is watching you and you back away and crawl back down the ladder. That's what I did last night I crawled back into myself and sobbed like a baby. I can't do this. What will happen to my life if I make this major change? How will I support myself?

Words were spoken in harsh voices. I know they could be overheard so why can't I just be honest and forthcoming with them? Well, the new age of technology for one thing. I know all it will take is one text and it will be spread like wildfire through our small town. Am I strong enough to handle it? I need to find some strength. I try to stay busy and I do pretty good while he is not around.

I know it is foolish to think that if it's not's spoken aloud it won't hurt them? They have to know what is going on. I just don't want to ruin their last year of high school with all of the drama. I want it to be fun, exciting year for them. I want us to be a happy family but the realization is that we haven't been that for a long time. I need to let go of the hope that that is ever going to happen.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Adele - Turning Tables (With Lyrics)

Into the Deep

After almost 24 years of marriage my husband and I no longer sleep in the same bed, we don't even sleep under the same roof and he claims he is sleeping better than he has in years. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Even though we have been dancing this dance for years to see and hear the song come to an end is terribly sad and heart wrenching. I don't know why I feel this way when it's been years since our souls have connected. I realized how lonely I have been inside this commitment when I started stepping outside myself and watching how other couples interact with each other. We have no smiles, no words, no touch. I tell myself that this is no way to live and I have my strong moments but today just doesn't seem to be one of those days. I feel empty, useless and unloved and he, well he just goes on like nothing has changed. I guess for him nothing has.

Learning to Settle

I took this shot last night as I sat quietly by my pond listening to the frogs, watching the fish and soaking my feet in the water. I had to force myself at first to just be quiet and relax and allow the peace to surround me. To stop thinking about all the things that need done or even how I am going to accomplish them.

I am learning that taking one day at a time also means learning to be able to spend some quiet time with myself, to just sit and let all of the thoughts in my mind settle. I hope you find some quiet time today to settle. xoxo

Manual Labor

I can see it on the horizon as it gets a little closer every single day approaching at what seems like warp speed. Turning fifty. Ugh... How did this happen??? That seems to be the usual response when you open up your front door and it's standing there waiting to bitch slap you in the face. Those years that have peeled back so quickly it leaves me shuddering in my shoes. Shoes that don't seem to fit as well or look as good as they used to.

Hmmm... I'm thinking that maybe it is time to trade them in for a new pair. I have retied those old laces so many times that they are coming up short and they no longer meet in the middle. It's a fight just to get them tied and when I do the loops are no longer even. They are frayed on the ends and no matter how many times I try to wash them they just don't look clean. But the worse thing of all are the knots that have appeared along the way. Some are bigger than others but no matter how I try to manipulate them through those little eyelets some are just too big. No matter how much I try to twist and turn and squeeze them they won't budge. What you say?? Okay, you got me. I'm not talking about shoes I'm talking about my life and the way it has me feeling lately.

That magical number "fifty" automatically makes you ask the question, how much time do I have left? Of course, no one knows that answer but it scares me enough to know that I have to get busy living my life. No more time to waste clinging to things that are no longer speaking to my soul. Things that leave me feeling exhausted, sad and lonely. Things that I just don't seem to have the energy for any longer. I am starting to realize that I can no longer ignore what has been staring me in the face. I need to remove those "miserable glasses" as my oldest calls them and let the light shine in. Let the peace enter with each step I take away from the old and familiar and into the new, whatever that may be.

Through my new found passion of photography I am hellbent on getting unstuck, and moving forward in whatever direction life takes me. No more clinging to what is familiar in order to feel a sense of security because the thought of an unknown change scares the living hell out of me. I need to do some manual labor and find out what it is that my soul has been trying to tell me.